The little Christmas bird.

    Once upon a time, there was a little bird. The bird had a survival instinct that demanded he fly south for the winter.  However, he had procrastinated and had not been able to start his journey until Christmas day, very late in the season for birds to migrate.  Because of this, about midway through his travel, he was overtaken by a bad winter storm.  The bitter cold of the raging storm was too much for the little bird.  Soon he was overtaken by the frigid temperatures and began to freeze.  The little bird landed in a small tree in hopes of finding warmth enough to face down Jack Frost, but in the middle of the night he lost his battle with the weather and froze solid and fell to the ground.

Our little bird was now cold, hungry, miserable and in a terrible spot.  The bird lay there, full of self loathing for quite some time, contemplating what were certain to be his final hours freezing to death.  After a while, a bear came along. The little bird was terrified.  Certainly this was to be his last hour.  Alas, the bear, indifferent and oblivious to our little friend, proceeded to seek out a place under tree to answer natures call. As if to add insult to injury, the bear vacated himself of an entire weeks worth of "recycled berries" that landed right on our little friend.  Then the bear wandered off into the woods to do what bears do.

Now our frozen friend lay there all cold and covered in poop, thought to himself: "I don't think life can get any worse than this".  But then something began  to happen.  See, the fresh poo was plenty warm.  The warmth slowly began to heat the bird.  Over a short time, the bird began to thaw out.  Slowly, the bird warmed up. Eventually he was able to stand up again and when he did, he began to move around in the poop relishing in the life giving warmth that it was providing.  So enamored became the bird with his new found luck that he began to splash around in the poop and sing.  The lovely harmony of the little bird singing caught the ears of a hungry bobcat nearby.  The bobcat ventured over to the poop, scooped the little bird out of the poo and ate him.

There are several lessons to be taken away from our little friends journey.  Number one: Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  Number two: Just because someone shits on you, it does not always make them your enemy.  Number three: If someone helps get you out of shit, it does not always make them your friend.  And most importantly: No matter what kind of shit life throws at you, If you are warm and happy, Shut the hell up!

I have been considering this parable a bit these last few days.  Personally, life has been very cold and full of poop for me and my family in 2019.  I have been humbled by tragedy and forced to reflect on the most important thing in my life: The people that I love.  I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  I also want to urge everyone to take some time and embrace those closest to you.  Take some time and re-establish the bonds of loved ones and reflect on why they are important to you.  And despite today's lesson, it's probably okay to sing a few Christmas carols--- Just keep it down, you never know who is listening.

This blog is dedicated to the memory of my Brother in Law Allen Wright.  

We miss you and wish you were here bro. 

Packing heat in the friendly skies.

      So, you are fixing to travel sometime in the near future.  I can tell you that I travel a lot.  I detest airlines. I hate airports.  I loathe going through the dehumanizing security bullshit lines.  But these are the days in which we live, and if you need to travel, you have to go through the rapey process without complaining.  But along the way, I have picked up a couple of neat tricks, and I wanted to share them with my friends here.

You think they would buy you a drink first.

     If you have ever had an airline lose your luggage, you will understand what a terrible exercise in frustration that little event is.  The same goes for having your luggage rifled through by the seedy baggage handlers at the airport.  As most of you probably know by now, I travel extensively for work.  Sometimes it’s driving, sometimes it’s flying.  Over time, I have discovered a pretty simple process for the flying part of it that will get you V.I.P. treatment with the airlines.  That secret: Bring a gun to the airport with you.

      “V.I.P. treatment Indeed!” was what just went through your mind.  All the lovely thoughts of TSA agents tackling you and groping your nether regions and such.  But hear me out, because if you do this correctly, that’s not how it works at all.  Believe it or not, traveling with a firearm is not only entirely legal, but it happens all the time.  The trick is that you have to do it by TSA guidelines.  When you do that, you suddenly take on a whole new status when you fly.

     Let me start off by explaining the rules. Your firearm has to be unloaded.  It has to be separated from the ammunition. Any ammunition can be stowed in the same case as the firearm but it should be packaged in the original package you purchased it in.  The firearm needs to be in a hard sided gun case that has a working lock on it.  If it’s a handgun, it needs to be stored safely in your CHECKED baggage.  (I know it’s probably a no-brainer, but NOT in your carry on) Those are the basic ground rules.  Now let me take you through what is going to happen when you show up at the airport packing heat.

Typical hard sided case.

     I’m sure everyone is familiar with the serpentine line of muggles waiting to check their baggage at the airline counter.  You, my friend do not wait in that line now.  Nope, you go straight to the Special Services/ VIP member line.  That’s where they want you to check in.  There is usually almost no one waiting in that line, therefore faster service.  When you approach the counter, politely inform the attendant that you need to check a firearm.  Loudly screaming “I HAVE A GUN” is incorrect, just keep that in mind. You will then be asked to open your bag so that the attendant can confirm that you have packaged your firearm correctly.  You will sign a small piece of paper confirming that it’s your firearm. You close your bag, and now the luggage check process continues as normal.

NOT where you check in.

     Except, once you let go of your bag, the process is anything but normal.  Because from the moment you let go of your suitcase, until the moment you get it back, there are eyes on it.  No one steals it, it don’t get lost and no one ever rifles through your crap and steals your favorite underwear.  And when you land at your destination, you don’t go over to the carousel to wait for your damaged suitcase to come spinning out with all the others.  You head straight to the airlines luggage service counter.  That’s where you will find a very helpful attendant who is in custody of your bag.  They will check your ID and hand you your luggage and off you go.

You are done with this crap too.

     The reason for the pomp should be obvious, but I will lay it bare for you.  No airline wants to randomly start losing firearms that they have been charged with maintaining. It becomes a huge deal when a firearm gets lost at an airport.  The FBI is called in and things grind to a halt.  No one wants to be responsible for that.  As such, airlines take every precaution to make sure that bags with firearms stay with their owners. They want you reunited at your destination and out of their hair as soon as possible. You suddenly become a VIP- or at least your bag does.

     The next obvious thing on your mind is that for whatever reason, you can’t, or don’t want to travel with a firearm.  Understood, and I got you covered too.  “Firearm parts” are treated in exactly the same manner by the airlines.  So, if you don’t want to be responsible for having a gun in your bag, you can simply go through the same process, but instead of placing a gun in your locking case, put an empty magazine in it.  The empty mag qualifies as a “gun part”.  Lock the case and proceed as instructed.  Your bag will arrive safely with you, and you are not responsible for taking care of a functional firearm when you reach your destination.  If some of my friends don’t own firearms and don’t want to, you can purchase a used pistol magazine and a locking gun case at most pawn shops for about 25 bucks.

     If you think there HAS to be a drawback, I will admit that there are 2.  First, you can not change flights.  If you notice an earlier connecting flight at your hub, too bad.  The airline will not let you switch because of the possibility of separating you from your luggage-see above.  The second, smaller one is that you can not check in electronically on your phone.  You have to make an appearance at the check in counter, but you were going to do that anyway, so it becomes pretty null when you think about it.

     Just a couple of other insights I will offer up to help you make it through your flight.  Those folks walking the aisles in the plane are not bartenders.  Their job is your safety.  Keep that in mind when you address them.  Those people also absolutely can, and do take tips.  And lastly, those people do indeed have the authority to upgrade or change your seat at their discretion. I’m sure my readers here can do some quick math with those insights.  Just remember, If you want to try this, be sure to check all the rules at the TSA website and make sure that you are doing things by the book.  Happy flying and happy shooting.

TSA Rules for traveling with Firearms.

Waterfoul

 

  This week Michael Phelps jumped into a pool In Rio and shattered records that have stood for millennia, and became one of the most decorated athletes in Olympic history.  Hell, it's easy to see how this happened.  The man has a wingspan like an albatross.  To put this into perspective, Phelps' outstretched arms measure six feet, four inches across.  To put THAT into perspective, 96.1% of Americans are shorter than 6',4" standing up.  If the man weren't so damn tall, I am sure his knuckles would drag on the ground behind him as he walked.  Using those meat hooks to push himself around the pool, it's easy to see how he leaves everyone in his wake.

     So it probably comes as no surprise to anyone really that Phepls has dominated his chosen sport. He is also dominating the media coverage of the Olympics.  What did surprise me, was some of the reactions that I have been reading this morning. I am suddenly seeing a lot of people questioning the "lack of ethnic diversity" in our swimming team. I have read several stories and posts from the likes of NPR and the BBC about how and why there are so few minorities in the pool.  My favorite by far was an analogy that went back to the 1920's and examined how segregation made it impossible for black children have access to public swimming pools and hence today, none of the black folks in the US know how to swim.  They even pointed out that swimming is financially out of reach of minority groups.  So there it is.  The media has managed to take one of our finest and proudest moments and turn it into a race baiting circus. Nice job.

      I want to take this opportunity to point out a few things real quick. Seventy one percent of the earths surface is covered by--water.  Access to water is not only a basic fundamental human right, it's essential to stay alive. Water is our most abundant resource on the entire planet. Almost the entirety of our population centers are built on, or near fresh water sources.  Every human being in this country has a supply of water within walking distance of where they are currently at- because if they didn't, they would die.  A pretty large portion of those people are within a short travel distance to a body of water. 

     Now for the shocker: I'm white and I know how to swim; because white privilege. NO! Bullshit!  I know how to swim because I found a place to get in the damn water and figured out how to do it.  By and large, most of the time when I am swimming, (which admittedly is not all that often) it's not in a Government sanctioned swimming pool.  Actually, the closer probability is that I am swimming in a pond or a lake or even a river. I know how to swim because I chose to learn how to do it.  It's the same reason I can walk the dog with my Yo-Yo or replace the brakes on my truck- I chose to learn how to do these things.  Now access to Yo-Yo's or brake shoes may be limited to some, but we have established that if you want to find water, you really don't have to look very far to do it. That's the way it has been done since- well since the beginning of time.

     70% of Black children and 60% of Hispanic children don't know how to swim.  Okay, well how many of them know how to send text messages or operate that X-Box or laptop? How many of these people know how to drive by 18?  All of which are easily measured as more expensive endeavors than finding a swimming hole and spending the afternoon escaping the summer heat. Hell, I am pretty sure that even paying to get into a public pool is just about one of the most affordable things you can do for an afternoon.  Swimming requires absolutely no equipment.  By my math, you don't even need a uniform to participate in swimming if you find the right location....  Which would seem to make swimming one of the most affordable sports to participate in.  Just because your parents failed to instruct you, and you never sought out information on your own, does not make your ignorance someone else's fault. I am not a racist because someone chooses the path of their own life. 

     I have another shocking revaluation for y'all too: You can't Affirmative Action your way onto the medal stand.  That's something you have to earn.  You can't demand that every trio of medal winners include a minority because that's not how it works.  Should we use Phelps' current wave of popularity to encourage participation in swimming?  YES! Absolutely! Should we use our national swimming teams success to encourage more people, including minorities to learn to swim?  Yep!   Should we do our best to provide access to facilities for children, including minorities who show promise in the sport? I totally agree with that. But I don't think we need to start breaking ground on every Martin Luther King Drive in the country for Olympic swimming facilities just because 100 years ago people were denied access to a local pool-- Not today.  There are plenty of places to go get your feet wet and plenty of folk who can show you how to wave your arms around so you don't drown.  Hell, for that matter, go look it up on youtube.  Now stop pointing your race-baiting ass finger at me, and go put on your swimming britches and get in the water.