So, you are
fixing to travel sometime in the near future.
I can tell you that I travel a lot.
I detest airlines. I hate airports.
I loathe going through the dehumanizing security bullshit lines. But these are the days in which we live, and
if you need to travel, you have to go through the rapey process without
complaining. But along the way, I have
picked up a couple of neat tricks, and I wanted to share them with my friends
here.
You think they would buy you a drink first.
If you have ever
had an airline lose your luggage, you will understand what a terrible exercise
in frustration that little event is. The
same goes for having your luggage rifled through by the seedy baggage handlers
at the airport. As most of you probably
know by now, I travel extensively for work.
Sometimes it’s driving, sometimes it’s flying. Over time, I have discovered a pretty simple
process for the flying part of it that will get you V.I.P. treatment with the
airlines. That secret: Bring a gun to
the airport with you.
“V.I.P.
treatment Indeed!” was what just went through your mind. All the lovely thoughts of TSA agents
tackling you and groping your nether regions and such. But hear me out, because if you do this
correctly, that’s not how it works at all.
Believe it or not, traveling with a firearm is not only entirely legal,
but it happens all the time. The trick
is that you have to do it by TSA guidelines.
When you do that, you suddenly take on a whole new status when you fly.
Let me start off
by explaining the rules. Your firearm has to be unloaded. It has to be separated from the ammunition.
Any ammunition can be stowed in the same case as the firearm but it should be
packaged in the original package you purchased it in. The firearm needs to be in a hard sided gun
case that has a working lock on it. If
it’s a handgun, it needs to be stored safely in your CHECKED baggage. (I know it’s probably a no-brainer, but NOT
in your carry on) Those are the basic ground rules. Now let me take you through what is going to
happen when you show up at the airport packing heat.
Typical hard sided case.
I’m sure everyone
is familiar with the serpentine line of muggles waiting to check their baggage
at the airline counter. You, my friend
do not wait in that line now. Nope, you
go straight to the Special Services/ VIP member line. That’s where they want you to check in. There is usually almost no one waiting in
that line, therefore faster service.
When you approach the counter, politely inform the attendant that you
need to check a firearm. Loudly
screaming “I HAVE A GUN” is incorrect, just keep that in mind. You will then be
asked to open your bag so that the attendant can confirm that you have packaged
your firearm correctly. You will sign a
small piece of paper confirming that it’s your firearm. You close your bag, and
now the luggage check process continues as normal.
NOT where you check in.
Except, once you
let go of your bag, the process is anything but normal. Because from the moment you let go of your
suitcase, until the moment you get it back, there are eyes on it. No one steals it, it don’t get lost and no
one ever rifles through your crap and steals your favorite underwear. And when you land at your destination, you
don’t go over to the carousel to wait for your damaged suitcase to come
spinning out with all the others. You head
straight to the airlines luggage service counter. That’s where you will find a very helpful
attendant who is in custody of your bag.
They will check your ID and hand you your luggage and off you go.
The reason for
the pomp should be obvious, but I will lay it bare for you. No airline wants to randomly start losing
firearms that they have been charged with maintaining. It becomes a huge deal
when a firearm gets lost at an airport.
The FBI is called in and things grind to a halt. No one wants to be responsible for that. As such, airlines take every precaution to
make sure that bags with firearms stay with their owners. They want you
reunited at your destination and out of their hair as soon as possible. You
suddenly become a VIP- or at least your bag does.
The next obvious
thing on your mind is that for whatever reason, you can’t, or don’t want to
travel with a firearm. Understood, and I
got you covered too. “Firearm parts” are
treated in exactly the same manner by the airlines. So, if you don’t want to be responsible for
having a gun in your bag, you can simply go through the same process, but
instead of placing a gun in your locking case, put an empty magazine in
it. The empty mag qualifies as a “gun
part”. Lock the case and proceed as
instructed. Your bag will arrive safely
with you, and you are not responsible for taking care of a functional firearm
when you reach your destination. If some
of my friends don’t own firearms and don’t want to, you can purchase a used
pistol magazine and a locking gun case at most pawn shops for about 25 bucks.
If you think
there HAS to be a drawback, I will admit that there are 2. First, you can not change flights. If you notice an earlier connecting flight at
your hub, too bad. The airline will not
let you switch because of the possibility of separating you from your
luggage-see above. The second, smaller
one is that you can not check in electronically on your phone. You have to make an appearance at the check
in counter, but you were going to do that anyway, so it becomes pretty null
when you think about it.
Just a couple of
other insights I will offer up to help you make it through your flight. Those folks walking the aisles in the plane
are not bartenders. Their job is your
safety. Keep that in mind when you
address them. Those people also
absolutely can, and do take tips. And
lastly, those people do indeed have the authority to upgrade or change your
seat at their discretion. I’m sure my readers here can do some quick math with
those insights. Just remember, If you
want to try this, be sure to check all the rules at the TSA website and make
sure that you are doing things by the book.
Happy flying and happy shooting.
