I had always thought that mans biggest flaunt against his own creator was to spend his entire existence in complacency. To not take the time to enjoy and experience all the thing that his maker put here for him. I understand now that I was wrong, or at the very least only partially correct. I have spent a lifetime absorbing the musings of poets and bards. I've listened to, and read about the finer trappings of the thing they called love. I thought that I could relate to them and understand the many variations and creative ways that they attempted to explain what it is like to truly experience the deepest gift we have been given as individual thinkers. I was clueless about all these things. The biggest tragedy in a persons existence is to let the person that they are destined to share an existence with pass them by without a fight. I know, because I made this mistake.
I can see now, and understand how so many people are drawn to the arms of the person closest to them which offers merely comfort in the moment, and a sense of normalcy and safety. We do this because life doesn't make it easy to find our destiny. It is not easy to find our muse. But I can attest, it's worth the fight. It is worth every single inch of the struggle. To crawl on your hands and knees, bleeding out through your fingernails to claw your way to the person that will give you pure, unadulterated love, is worth every bit of that struggle. Unfortunately for most, its not a fight they are willing to endure. I failed this test when life offered it to me.
I was fortuitous enough to be presented early in life with someone whom I felt this truest of feelings. Our most cherished time was spent for hours on end, laying in each others arms and staring into the others eyes, marveling at this purest form of love. It was, and is, the most awe inducing, intoxicating feeling that I have had the pleasure of experiencing... And I carelessly threw it away. I did so with the misguided thoughts of a young man who didn't understand the world, or love, or relationships to the extent that it would have protected us better. I threw it all away because I was sure that I was not good enough for her, and that she deserved a better man than I was destined to be. I believed that I was helping her reach a better place in life. I was wrong on all of those assumptions, and we both paid dearly for my mistake.
I have learned that Lachesis is not in the habit of offering up second chances at life's most valuable achievements. Life is very unforgiving about allowing us to rectify affairs of the heart. It is almost unheard of to hear about a broken heart actually mending itself, yet this is where I find myself today. I have not always been the man I wanted to be. I have failed at endeavors that I should have easily succeeded at. Many times, I have not been a good father, a good brother, a good partner or a good person. But, I HAVE learned from my mistakes. One thing I have had the very painful reality of learning recently is that I was given love in the arms of a woman that poets write of. I was blessed with that opportunity and I also failed.... But fate has blessed us....
I have been afforded what I consider a once in a lifetime opportunity to rectify my mistakes of my ignorant youth. Finding myself back in the arms of my muse for a second time much later than we last left each other. The pace and manner in which we reconnected to our souls was dizzying. Most observers would probably consider it wreck less and fool hardy. It is a sensation that cannot be explained with mere words. It has to be experienced to be understood. It takes your sanity, it takes your breath, it takes your fear and self loathing away and replaces it with elation and pure ecstasy. Just to be near her is the most potent drug I have ever experienced. My mind short circuits and I would gladly sacrifice my kingdom just to look into her eyes once again. And it's happening!
It is such a bittersweet thing to me to contemplate how much of our lives was spent away from each other. Time that would have been magical, staring into each others eyes and finding the meaning of the universe. But it is also an elation of pure happiness that I understand that we have been given a second chance. We have the time left in our lives to make the most amazing memories, to take each others hand and explore what the truest definition of love really is. It would be a terrifying reality for most to see their own world and plans for life turn completely on it's side, yet, I welcome it with eager anticipation.
I don't know what the future holds for me.. for us. I do know now, that my life was never complete, it was never whole without her in it. I KNOW that for us to truly find happiness, the path leads right through each others arms..... Which is where I intend to spend the rest of my life.
Kate I was wrong. I know that now. May this serve as my promise: I will never intentionally hurt you again. I will protect you and cherish you as the love of my life that I now understand that you are!
H
No comments:
Post a Comment