Truckers guide to law enforcement.

Handy Law Enforcement 

Reference guide for Truck Drivers:

City Police Officer

AKA: City Kitty, City Kiddie, Black and White

Natural environment: Mostly urban areas.

Trucker Threat Level: ★✩✩✩✩✩

Sheriff's Deputy.

AKA: County Mountie, Smokey, Smokey Bear.

Natural Environment: Urban and Rural environments and occasionally on interstates.

Trucker Threat Level: 

Normal:★★✩✩✩✩

Your CB handle is "Bandit":★★★★★★★★

Highway Patrol

AKA: Super Trooper,  Bear 

Natural Environment: Interstate Highways

Trucker Threat Level: ★★★✩✩✩

Department of Transportation Officer.

AKA: Diesel Cop, Grizzly Bear

Natural Environment: Chicken Coops.  (See Weigh Stations)

Trucker Threat Level: ★★★★✩✩

Unmarked

AKA: Unwrapped.  Plain Wrapper, 

Natural Environment: Varies.

Trucker Threat Level: Varies. 

Motorcycle Officer

AKA: Evil Knevil

Natural Environment All Roadways during warm weather.

Trucker Threat Level: "I swear I couldn't see you behind me officer or else I would have stopped"

Agricultural Officer

AKA Tater Cop

Natural environment: State Checkpoints in Florida and California

Trucker Threat Level:  Depends-Are you hauling potatoes?

Game Warden

AKA: FWC, Squirrel Cop, Carp Cop. Grouper Trooper.

Natural Environment: Hunting and fishing grounds.

Trucker Threat Level:  N/A

Weigh Station.

AKA: Chicken Coop

Natural Environment: (Stationary) Mostly interstates and some smaller roads.

Trucker Threat Level:

Empty: ★✩✩✩✩✩

Loaded: ★★★✩✩✩

Overweight ★★★★★★

Radar Enforcement Officer:

AKA: Kojak with a Kodak

Natural Environment:  Various roadways, overpasses, bushes etc.

Trucker Threat Level:

Governed trucks:  N/A

Ungoverned Trucks: Get a radar detector dummy.

Female Law Enforcement Officer

AKA: Mama Bear

Natural Environment Equivalent to male counterparts.

Trucker Threat Level:  Never, NEVER ask her if she wants to "frisk you".  

Drug Enforcement

AKA: DEA, The Feds. Men In Black

Natural Environment: Any

Trucker Threat Level:  I thought you said you were just hauling potatoes?

Headquarters

AKA: HQ, DD

Natural Environment: Jelly Filled.

Trucker Threat Level:  You can't get your truck into this parking lot anyway.

Border Patrol

AKA: The feds, La Migra, ICE, INS

Natural Environment: Country Egress Points

Trucker Threat Level: 

If your name is: 

Steve: ✩✩✩✩✩✩

Enrique: ★★★★★✩

Police Helicopter

AKA Chopper, Whirlybird, Eye in the Sky.

Natural Environment: In the Air

Trucker Threat Level:  ★★★✩✩✩

??????

AKA: National Guard

Natural Environment: ???????

Trucker Threat Level: What the hell did you do?  You should probably pull over now.

Traffic Citation

AKA: Driving Award

Natural Environment:  UPS and FED-EX truck glove boxes

Trucker Threat Level:  Forget that--Your wife is gonna kill you.